#21 A Dead Philosopher just critiqued my life.

I have been reading a little bit of Soren Kierkegaard's essay called "The Present Age."  His present age of course was in the 1800s so we are talking about different ages.  But there was something striking about his thoughts on his age that seems to pertain to me.  I'm not sure I like it when a notoriously curmudgeon of a philosophers pegs my own fear so well.  Anyway this grumpy cat philosopher (Is this disrespectful to that cat or to Kierkegaard?) said basically this, "Mark, you are really good at reflecting on self and others but those reflects never really get out of your head into the real world."  Only he said it in German and not specifically addressed to me and not in those words.  This is just how I heard it in my head. 

I think I can reflect all day and night on something.  And if I have someone to reflect with it is even better.  I can talk for weeks about a topic if someone is interested.  Few are, by the way, and this can be a very frustrating thing to my wife.  Although she can do it, too, if it is on a topic she is passionate about, but alas, rarely do our passion for reflection overlap.  This is a good thing because otherwise nothing of importance would probably ever get done.  

And that is precisely my fear.  I fear that I have become so good at reflecting and creating abstract assertions (some of which are meaningless, see what I did there!) that I don't know how to do anything worthwhile in the real world.  I think it is exciting to talk about the implications of Trinitarian theology, but I'm not sure I ever go a live them out.  I love to talk about how feminist thinking has enriched our culture and still has some work to do (this my wife and I can talk about), yet what do I do in a concrete sense to make the world more equal?

I fear that in an action-reflection model of life, I have left behind the action part.  I fear that I have become someone who only lives in my own mind and does little in the real world.  I fear that my reflections are stunted because I don't live them and test them in a concrete way in the real world.  

This matters to me because Kierkegaard was wrong about his present age.  He said they would never start revolution to change the oppressive power structures of his day, but then the French Revolution happened, and many revolutions happened across German to unify the country.  He was wrong about his age, but is he right about me personally.  I need to break out of pure abstraction and test these theories.  I need to question current power structures while coming up with new ways of living on this planet called Earth.  I need to put on ideas and become incarnate in these theories, so that I can see if they are really worthwhile or just really fun to think about.  Practice makes perfect, right?  So I need to go practice so I can critique and evolve theories into something more true and more engaged to effect real change in this world.

Assertion #5:New Year's Resolutions make me feel bad about myself.

It's the start of another year.  Somehow we made it through another one despite the threat of certain doom from various contemporary and ancient sources.  And although I'm thankful to be alive at the end of this tumultuous year, there is one thing I hate about the new year.  A new year always makes me feel bad about myself.

 A new year means a time of reflection and evaluation, then setting the dreaded New Year's Resolution.  I don't know how you are, but I am really hard on myself.  When asked, I struggle to come up with strengths but I'm ready to tell you all my weaknesses.  It is a problem I have always had, and as a kid it meant at certain things I tried harder.  Like basketball, I was a short kid who was told that I probably shouldn't go out for the team next year.  And with true Michael Jordan flair (sometimes I overstate things) I came back the next year as the starting point guard of an undefeated team.  Basketball became my obsession because I was told I was bad at it.  I knew my weaknesses on the court and always did my best to work on them.  That didn't really get me anywhere, but it is a way my personality flaw worked to my advantage.  (Some would say that was more of a pride/proving people wrong issue, but whatever)

So as I look at myself in the mirror and reflect on what could change in my life, I always dwell on the negative.  Then, my self-esteem goes down.  Because over time, my determination and resolve have gotten weaker while self nit-picking has gotten stronger.  I've nearly defeated myself.  Then, I just start to feel bad about myself, and this whole New Year's thing starts to smell like my childhood home on liver and onion day, absolutely gag-worthy! (Sorry, Mom.)

So this year, while I will be trying to work to improve on some things, I am going to start thinking more about my strengths.  I've beaten myself up for my weaknesses enough.  It is time to concentrate on what I do well, and reflect on those things, so that while I'll occasionally give in to dwelling on my weaknesses, I won't forget that I'm actually do some things quite well.  This is the year that I will focus on the positive in my life instead of worrying about the negative.

What are your resolutions or goals for this coming year?  Upon what are you going to improve this year?  Of what are going to rid?  (I'm working on the don't-end-sentences-with-a-preposition syndrome this year, but it makes questions seem awkward.)