Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Out of Body experiences

I feel like I have been ripped from my body. I don't feel like I am really anywhere. It is just that my body is there. I don't have any idea where I am half the time. It is as if I just exist. I don't feel sad or mad or anything. I just feel disconnected. I haven't felt myself lately. This could be because I'm a man from two cities. Driving back and forth to school every week is exhausting, and that is why I don't really feel like I'm anywhere. I almost feel like I am watching myself but is vaguely through my own eyes. I barely feel like I have a control of what is going on around me, not like I ever have. Life is passing by, and I am floating above it not really engaging with it but also not really disengaged. I am there in it but only my body. I am in the middle of an out of body experience. Drifting from place to place. Noticing very little while learning very much. I feel like I must be missing something that helps me to engage with the world around me. I don't have that slight arrogance that I once had. I don't have the feeling that I can realistically change and handle the things that are going on around me. I am still confident that everything will work out well for me and my family, but I don't know that I will have much to do with it.
Maybe this is me realizing that I have to get out of the way and let God do the work. I need to stop just reacting to circumstances and start allowing God to work through me in these circumstances. There are a lot of things that are going to happen of which I have very little control. But there are also things over which I have a lot of control. I need to engage with what's going on around me, coming down out of the clouds, and stop just responding after something happens. But instead reacting and preparing before they happen. I need to look at how things are going and start to engage with the things and change the way I look at them, or change the way things are going to work out. I don't know if any of this makes sense. This is more of a journal entry than anything else, but feel free to leave some comments.

Come down from on high and mingle with the people,

Mark

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